Great Loss

April 10 - or so
The tree cutting crew from Lakeland Electric came today. They destroyed the beautiful oak that was over our side porch. It wasn't just the oak, but the shaded, cool, place of refuge that they took away. Its now an ugly gaping hole where one portion of the tree used to be and the porch is flooded with sun. Gone is that place of escape.

I've thought a lot. God orders my days. Nothing comes into my life without His permission and there is a reason for anything He puts into my life.. including the loss of something I percieved as precious. I haven't cried like that for years. There was such grief.

However.. I know that He works all things together for our good - that was a place to hide. One thing that came to mind was its time to not hide anymore. when I told my friend, Dr. McK, she said..sounds like you were hiding.. so I'll take that as Him speaking through the mouths of two or more.. The front porch is SO exposed and in the open.. very difficult for me. I tend to run and hide when anyone is around... Awful how I'm come to value myself. I don't know how to deal with anyone I guess. I do it, but with great stress in my heart.


The front porch is much bigger.. one side stays sunny all morning and part of the afternoon, but the kitchen end is shady.. exposed but shady. I'm trying to spend more and more time out there.. in the open. Neighbors all around the neighborhood.. working on their yards and houses. Our house and yard is so plain "with nothing to recommend it". We need to decide what we want to do with the roof and do it... new shingle roof, roof over...??? I'd love a roof over the front porch.. that would allow the front windows to be uncovered during the summer.. let light in and not the furious sun AND make it so much more usable.

This afternoon I thought.. its time. forgive the tree men for what they did and move on. I went to clean out a spot by the back oak tree to put in the impatiens Hans bought for me. I looked at all that needed to be done and sadly got so upset I just went in the house thinking.. I just give up. I can't take care of things I should . Finally went out and pulled a bit of grass, moved a little of the oak leaves.

I repotted a few of the impatiens so they can grow big and I can then decide whether they ought to be in the ground or in pots.

The 4 o'clocks have come up.. the alyssum, the marigolds are just barely beginning to come up. Not a sign of the cleomes or the sunflowers. Guess I'll need to check and see how long they take. May have to get some new sunflower seeds. I think the cleomes did take a lot of time.

Tomorrow's another day. I expect that each day will be easier and gradually I'll find the joy in the change. I know He has wonderful surprises for us, and I believe one will be what I find when I truly let go of what happened and don't seek revenge in my mind. smile.

Tomorrow I'll really work on part of the yard. Its so big I don't know where to start now. I had planned to put in stuff in my "shady" gardens around the side porch, but its no longer shady so things will ahve to be moved. I have 4 big ferns that will need to go by the tree next to the drive or out back of the shed. I can see them from my computer, so perhaps that's a good spot for them. A pretty thing to look at. I need to make a list of the things that need to be done.

I want to hang those ferns.. plant some things by the back tree.. use the weedwacker or find someone who will.
We ought to get in touch with Gayle and DeeDee and see what they say about keeping the water from running under the house. Everything is so half done and nothing completed. I feel like its such a mess and getting worse. I was excited because it looked like I was going to make the yard pretty, but there are so many messes I just can't keep up and get defeated rather easily. Fifteen minutes at a time I guess. One small spot at a time. I need Flylady for the garden. lol.